Nighttime can be an ugly place.
It never bothered me before I had children.
When I was single I would dance the night away with friends. Once I got married, my husband and I would go to shows. We were even in a band together. We would attend parties and bonfires and go to the movies.
These days, our nights are much different.
We are much different.
Probably just different.
We fight over who gets to tuck a sleeping Oscar back under his blanket and give him one last kiss goodnight. We sometimes simply lay on the bed in silence reading or watching youtube videos as a way to decompress at the end of a day.
When Calvin wakes screaming at 4am we take turns soothing him.
…..this is when the darkness creeps in.
These are my weakest moments.
Screaming. Crying. Fussing. Nursing.
I don’t mind giving up the parties and the shows and the movies.
I love snuggling on our big bed and just being together.
I love that sometimes we have great conversations or watch TV, but other times we are just sharing space.
At 4am I don’t love anything.
I don’t feel love for anyone.
My body aches with resentment.
I feel crushed under the responsibility of parenting.
I promise myself that I will make it.
That it won’t last forever.
That I won’t be angry forever.
I always wonder if it’s a lie.
I steal some sleep and something amazing happens.
I wake up to the sunshine and take a deep breath.
I can’t wait to see my boys
…..and do it all over again.