So Calvin is almost 1 year old. Weird huh? Some days I don’t even feel like I know him yet. I have this amazing relationship with Oscar now that he is 3.5. He can tell me what he wants and how he feels. He can tell jokes and say that he loves me. He is quirky and sweet and he knows just how to drive me up a wall.
Calvin on the other hand is my sweet baby. He is the one that doesn’t really know what it means to be a little person yet and he is so mild-mannered that you could almost forget he is in the room. Except that I don’t want to forget. I want to know him and his little thoughts. I want him to know me.
It’s hard to remember how I felt about Oscar when he was this age. Everything about every day was devoted to learning about him and entertaining him and teaching him. These days, my attention is divided. I don’t think I feel guilty about it, because this is how it has to be when one has more than one child. Not even Oscar gets that kind of attention anymore. And that is ok, albeit different. I just want to make sure I make the time to know Calvin like I know Oscar. And I think we are getting there.
I have been making an effort to give each of my children lots of eye contact. I think something so simple can really make a difference in how our children perceive us as parents. I am a big believer in independent play and I often have Oscar go downstairs a few minutes before I get there. But when it is his time, I really make an effort to look him in the eye and answer his question or congratulate him on figuring something out. I try to play with Calvin and look him in the eyes when I tell him that Mama loves him. Because I can get busy and I can forget that these two amazing human beings are just here, watching my every move, trusting me to show them what love is.
I say that I am making an effort because I have to make myself do it. So often it’s too easy to yell over my shoulder to wait a second or bark instructions because I am too “busy” to look up. Too busy. No way! Adjusting to life with two kids is happening every day whether I like it or not. Some days are busier than others. In that, we pray that our boys will know that we value hard work and great moments of playtime. I want my boys to really know my eyes because they spent their childhood being treated to moments of my undivided attention. I want to know them.
I can’t believe almost a whole year has gone by. In many ways, I have been in a fog trying to figure all of this out. Trying to be in the moment. Trying to forget other moments. But we are doing it. And I adore both of my boys and their daddy. This little family is the thing that keeps me going and the thing that stops me in my tracks. We are adjusting because honestly, what other choice do we have? We are not perfect. We are not a storybook, but our story is just that, ours. And I am beyond grateful to be a part of it.