Sunday was one of the first times I have ever heard a pastor preach on John 3:16 this side of children’s church. Tyler spoke on it here and I think it is definitely worth a listen. The very thought of giving all I have to God is sincerely impossible to me. I talk about it and I think about it, but if faced with the request. I don’t know that I could really do it. I’ve had a pretty hard time connecting spiritually since Oscar was born. In part, I think I am totally distracted, but I also wonder if my spirituality is taking on a different form and I just don’t recognize it yet. The idea of giving “your only begotten son” is beyond my ability to comprehend. Which makes God’s sacrifice that much more real to me.
I consider myself a follower of Jesus, but even in saying that I feel totally hypocritical. I want to show my son that I believe with my heart, not just my words, but I fail every day. I was speaking about this with my friend Paige from PocketSmiles about how I feel contentment for the first time in my life. However, this contentment is tinged with guilt because I feel like I have everything I could need or want. So why wouldn’t I feel peace? Surely it isn’t because I finally learned how to trust in God. It seems that right now, I don’t HAVE to. Of course I give thanks to Him for blessing us and I know it’s not by our actions that we have so much. But put that into the context of 24 hour day full of laundry, diapers and spit-up and I am definitely not thinking about my Lord and Savior.
How can I be a Godly mother in heart and action? If I praise God with my mouth but not with my actions, am I doing more harm than good in the example I set? Honestly, it’s exhausting to think about. There have been plenty of times in my life when I had nothing BUT God and in those times I felt closer to Him than ever. It’s such a paradox.