The birth night

I have been preparing all day for Calvin’s birthday party tomorrow. In part because things needed to get done. But mostly because I needed to avoid my emotions.

This morning’s tragedy in Colorado hung in the air for a few hours. I had to catch my breath a few times when I tried to imagine myself in the scene. My boys. It’s something no mother should endure. I read about Jessica who was one of the victims that lost her life. I felt like I should have felt some sort of solidarity with her for being a writer. A blogger.

Instead I thought about her mother.

I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of being left behind. Empty. No mother should outlive her children, When these horrific scenes unfold before my eyes I am literally silenced. I have no words yet they are bouncing off the walls of my mind, screaming for freedom.











I sat down to write about how emotional I have been as I think back on Calvin’s first year in the wake of this tragedy. I’ve had a lot of healing to do since his birth. In our own dramatic story, when the odds of one or both of us losing our lives was a real possibility, we were spared. My son has a mother. I have a beautiful one year old boy.

As I sang to him tonight I just cried. He lay his head on my shoulder, which is rare. All I could do was remember our first embrace when we finally met 3 hours after his birth. There are no guarantees. My “mother’s heart” grieves for the families who are suffering loss. At the same time I am overcome with gratitude that we have Calvin’s birthday to celebrate tomorrow and mine to celebrate next week. It’s a lot to feel right now and I am going to let myself feel it.

There is a verse in the Bible (Romans 12:15) that says Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

Today I am doing both.


  1. says

    Happy Birthday Calvin! You are sweet and smooshy and wonderful! Congrats on a successful first year, Andrea!

    I know. Today was weird and sad. I had to write about it too. It was just awful. I feel ya. Have a great party tomorrow!

  2. says

    Happy birthday to sweet Calvin a/k/a Frankie’s Dedication Buddy :) I had no idea about your birth story!!! What a beautiful blessing and miracle! This is so wonderfully written and speaks my hearts sentiments about the whole CO thing as well. Hugs.
    Sarah Shingler´s last blog post ..Rain and Shine

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