Oh it’s an ugly phase I am in right now. School just let out, Calvin is almost three (and acting like a threenager), I have a job and a million responsibilities and to paraphrase a friend, that sound you just heard was me dropping all the balls.
I recently said I just need a win. I need to know I am doing something full-out and 100%. Truth is, I don’t have that right now. I feel like all I am winning at is losing. It’s the post-school letdown before the fun of summer really begins. It’s the freak-out of how in the world will I manage everything and keep my sanity. It’s the storm before the calm, maybe. Or the storm before the lesser storm, more likely.
The kids are young. I stay home, work part time and do too much. I know this. What I don’t know is how to fix it. I don’t know that. I fix things. That’s what I do. I am a fixer. But instead of fixing, I am driving the boys around explaining about why trees have a job because without them, we wouldn’t have oxygen to breathe. I am washing scrapes and praising good behaviour. I am doing everything in my power not to lose my temper when my 2 year old bolts for the hundredth time in the past ten minutes. I am losing perspective and staying afloat both wishing away the days and wishing I wasn’t wishing away the days.
This is life with young kids. You have it and then it’s gone. They grow. They grow out of it and what’s left are fairy tale memories. I just knew Oscar was easier than this at three. I said, we never had issues like THIS. And then I randomly found this old post from 2012.
How quickly we forget. How quickly today’s balls in the air seem so much heavier than the ones from yesterday. How real life is and how hard so many of the days are.
In past lives and maybe even weeks, I would seek to escape it, to fix it. Not this time. There is no easy button. There is no fix. This is the part where I just let it be what it is. A sucky season. The more I think of it, it’s less like a storm to escape and more like quicksand. The more I struggle and fight, the more I sink down down down into the pit. I need to breathe. I need to think. I need to relax. No fixing. No fighting. Let the answers come to me for a change.
I want to spin the beauty out of this mess. But sometimes a mess is just a mess and that is ok. The messes are what help us know beauty when we see it. And oh have I seen it.
Today is not about beauty. It’s not about solving the world’s problems. It’s not about fixing. Today is about loving my family and myself enough to know that a mess will not break us. It’s walking through and working together and weaving strength into the fibers of our walls despite the splinters. I’m here. And whether I see it today or tomorrow, I am working on the win. And that is beautiful.