Calvin will be 8 weeks old on Thursday. In a week we’ll have his 2 month appointment. Time is really passing in a strange way right now. I don’t know, I think the lack of sleep is really catching up with me. I have no complaints really other than my own exhaustion. Calvin is doing awesome. He’s eating and growing well and sleeping relatively normally for an 8 week old. He still eats about every 3 hours. We sometimes get a 4 hour stretch but it’s rare. I feel like that is my biggest issue.
With Oscar I could really concentrate on helping him get to sleep and I feel so pulled every which way with Cal. Especially during the day. I don’t like leaving Oscar unattended but he is very loud when I try to let him help me put Calvin down. This results in me letting Cal nap in the swing. A lot. And it makes me feel guilty.
I feel like I am cheating Calvin by basically training him to sleep in the swing. What happens when he outgrows it? What if we are somewhere and we don’t have a swing? These are the questions I asked myself constantly with Oscar but with Calvin I just can’t even think about it. Any sleep is good sleep right now so I am going with it.
Yesterday I had my “6 week” postpartum check-up. I was a little late on that one but I actually preferred it so I could meet with the Doctor who did my surgery. I really thought I would cry when I saw her, but I managed to hold it together. I am cleared for all normal activity (including exercise-yay!) She also answered a lot of the questions about my uterine and bladder ruptures that I still had. Apparently, the bladder rupture was the more serious of the two, even though my uterus was “shredded” to use her words. I also found out that her conservative estimate was that I lost at least a liter and a half of blood. Yikes.
She asked about my mood. I think I had a mild form of ante-natal depression during the second trimester of my pregnancy so I really worried that I was at risk for PPD. I honestly don’t think I have PPD, but I do think I have a little more than the baby blues. Maybe some form of PTSD? Some days I feel like I am outside my body, floating on the ceiling and watching my life. Is that weird? Another way to say it I guess is that I don’t feel 100% me. But I really have to consider the sleep deprivation here. I am getting 2 hours or sleep at a time and that can really mess with a person. I am still rational and I am not having harmful thoughts, but I am aware of my emotions more than usual.
And what’s interesting is that even though people say that going from one child to two isn’t that much of an adjustment (and I mostly agree with that), it’s still very hard. And the guilt. WOW. The guilt this time is almost suffocating. I feel bad that I am not as present with Oscar, Calvin is cared for but not doted over the way Oscar was as a newborn. Don’t get me wrong, we are fed and healthy, but it’s just a bit chaotic compared to life with one child.
And I guess (maybe?) this is just part of the normal adjustment period. We are right in the middle of growing pains and no matter how hard I try, I can’t slow them down or speed them up. I just have to go with it.
What was the hardest part of adding a second child to your family?