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9 Weeks…tap tap, is this thing on?

So today I am 9 weeks pregnant according to my calculations. I’ll let you know on Friday if they are correct or if by some miracle of science, my body conceived a child a week later without my knowledge. Which brings me to my symptoms, both of which can pretty much be summed up in two words. But this is a family friendly site so I’ll just say, lack of sleep and hormones.

Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful that so far my stomach has decided to refrain from turning inside out. But to say I am feeling a little snarky would be a pretty big understatement. And I think some of that has to do with me being anxious of what could go wrong.

I remember having a hard time connecting with Oscar during the first trimester too. My mind and body knew I was pregnant, but my heart wasn’t ready to take the leap. I am in that same boat today. I know so many friends who have struggled with miscarriage that I tend to be almost clinical during the first months. I think it is my subconscious way of protecting myself from the pain they surely felt. As if me knowing the statistics and bracing for impact would really keep me from feeling. Yet here I am, holding on for dear life and praying that this isn’t my burden to bear.

It helps to call the baby Tiny. It helps to have even a nickname. But I won’t allow it to be an actual name because I can’t seem to let myself let go of fear and hang on to life. We pray for our little ones several times a day and before bed. And realizing how we really can’t control so many things both inside the womb and out is a sobering thought. And again I find myself learning to trust. Learning to trust in, rely on and hope in my God who cares for me. It’s no easy thing. But it’s what gets me through.

I don’t know how it will go and why I continue to have these thoughts. I pray for safety and health for my family. I know that I will get through whatever struggles come my way and I hope that soon I will be able to connect with Tiny and enjoy these days.

That’s me at 9 weeks.

andrea

ABOUT ANDREA

I'm a travel-loving boymom living in Raleigh, NC. I love making life a little bit easier and a lot more fun by sharing easy recipes, travel tips, and holiday treats. Read more...

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Suzanne

Tuesday 27th of July 2010

Hang in there! I worried throughout my entire pregnancy. It's just what we mamas do, right? Will be thinking about you guys on Friday. Can't wait for more Tiny news! xo! My recent post Big-girl bike

@adventuroo

Wednesday 28th of July 2010

I think I was just like Tiffany- more worried than with my first! I stayed "clinical" throughout the first trimester too. I think I truly started connecting when I felt him kick. Before that, I really had to picture a little human in my belly to make it seem real! Look forward to seeing more updates as you go along! My recent post Guest Post- Kids and Gardening

Tiffany

Tuesday 27th of July 2010

It is hard to let go of those thoughts when you want to hold that baby so much! I found that with kid #2, the anxiety and fearfulness was way worse than it was with kid #1! I was a paranoid mess until she was delivered, even when I was repeatedly told that everything was perfect.

Lynn @ WWScissors

Tuesday 27th of July 2010

I was very clinical during my first trimester as well. With my first, I had been reading the "What to Expect" books and they absolutely terrified me (those books are horrible, hateful things). I read that once you see a heartbeat in an ultrasound, the chance of miscarriage drops to 10%, which made me feel better. Still, it wasn't until I hit 26 weeks that I truly started to relax. I think the real bonding happened when I started to feel those first bubbly kicks. After that, there was no turning back and I was passionately in love with each of my babies. My recent post On Finally Growing Up

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