So today I am 9 weeks pregnant according to my calculations. I’ll let you know on Friday if they are correct or if by some miracle of science, my body conceived a child a week later without my knowledge. Which brings me to my symptoms, both of which can pretty much be summed up in two words. But this is a family friendly site so I’ll just say, lack of sleep and hormones.
Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful that so far my stomach has decided to refrain from turning inside out. But to say I am feeling a little snarky would be a pretty big understatement. And I think some of that has to do with me being anxious of what could go wrong.
I remember having a hard time connecting with Oscar during the first trimester too. My mind and body knew I was pregnant, but my heart wasn’t ready to take the leap. I am in that same boat today. I know so many friends who have struggled with miscarriage that I tend to be almost clinical during the first months. I think it is my subconscious way of protecting myself from the pain they surely felt. As if me knowing the statistics and bracing for impact would really keep me from feeling. Yet here I am, holding on for dear life and praying that this isn’t my burden to bear.
It helps to call the baby Tiny. It helps to have even a nickname. But I won’t allow it to be an actual name because I can’t seem to let myself let go of fear and hang on to life. We pray for our little ones several times a day and before bed. And realizing how we really can’t control so many things both inside the womb and out is a sobering thought. And again I find myself learning to trust. Learning to trust in, rely on and hope in my God who cares for me. It’s no easy thing. But it’s what gets me through.
I don’t know how it will go and why I continue to have these thoughts. I pray for safety and health for my family. I know that I will get through whatever struggles come my way and I hope that soon I will be able to connect with Tiny and enjoy these days.
That’s me at 9 weeks.