I found myself saying this to my husband the other night. My boys are my first priority, absolutely and without question. But that implies that I do have other priorities in my life, a statement that I am just not sure holds much truth these days.
In this season of young children, it is so incredibly easy to get lost in the day to day activities. I never understood a woman who could become so invisible to anyone but her children, yet I see it now because it is happening to me. And I have been fighting it because I want to BE somebody.
Little bit by little bit I give of myself. It doesn’t feel selfless at all but things happen and the boys need what they need. By the end of the day there isn’t much left to talk about or do and rather than build into my own interests, I simply find myself just going to bed. Or worse, spending untold hours doing nothing because I can’t think of anything I want to do for me. It’s not that I don’t have the time, it’s that I just don’t know what I like anymore.
And you know what I am not going to do? I’m not going to feel guilty about that. It’s ok that I don’t have a hundred different things going in all directions and perfectly styled hair (or even perfectly trimmed hair). It’s ok that the only TV shows I watch are Gossip Girl and Grey’s Anatomy because despite the fact that I love sitcoms, I just can’t stand the pressure of getting behind. It’s ok that I am 3 books behind in the Stephanie Plum series and have been for years. I’ll get to it when I get to it.
It’s ok that I made Hamburger helper twice in one week. It’s ok that my latest clothing purchases were yoga pants and running shoes and not overpriced jeans and the latest faddy sweater. I’m tagging out. I’m owning it and if you are here in this place, I give you permission to do the same.
It’s not about laziness or even exhaustion. It’s about limits. I am learning my limits and I am putting them to work instead of letting them strangle me. Today I might get 10 things accomplished. Tomorrow, I might scrape by with 2. And for this season, that is enough.
Only a mother is ok sometimes. The rest will just have to wait.