I began singing in church at a very young age. I can’t remember exactly, but I don’t think I was a teen yet. I continued in the pattern no matter what church I went to at the time and usually enjoyed it. That is, until I started coming to Vintage21. I refused to join any ministries or serve in any way because I felt I was “burnt out”. I came late and left before most people could gather their belongings. I have to admit, it was nice for a season to let that selfishness play out. But it was only a matter of time before my calling found me once again and I began singing with the band.
Worship has been my lifeline on so many occasions that I can’t count. In times where I was running from God and nothing could touch me, a worship song could slice me in half in that surgical, I’m here to help you kind of way. So when I took time off after Oscar was born, again welcoming the reprieve, I was a bit surprised to find that God was indeed calling me to serve in this way again. I don’t know why. It’s not like life stops when you have a child. I just figured I would move on. But I should know better!
You would think that stepping into an old pair of shoes would be comforting and welcome. Many times in life, I think this is absolutely true. But like so much else after carrying and birthing a child, they just don’t fit like they used to. This has been no clearer in my life than when I recently decided to take the leap and start singing in the worship band at my church again. It has been almost exactly one year since the last time I sang and for most (if not all) of you, the time has probably passed without notice. I don’t bring this up to get any compliments or pats on the back. Just another phase of life as a mother and I feel the need to express it here.
Sunday, I will be on the stage while Oscar is in the nursery. I will have many more thoughts to overcome so that I can worship and in turn, lead others in worship. At no other time has this service been less about me. And I think that is just how God wants it. As I arrived at practice on Wednesday I expected my old shoes just waiting for me to fill. However, something strange happened.
I recognized the place but the fit was completely different. New faces, new songs, even a new stage! There would be a lot more than my jitters to overcome! OH, hello nerves! My voice tries to betray me. Along with my waistline, it has become relaxed and unforgiving when forced to go somewhere it doesn’t belong. I am excited to get to know those talented people around me that I haven’t had a chance to connect with yet. I am learning that even in this process of rejoining a ministry that I really love, I remain forever changed. I know that God is working in me through this process and I am trying to be humble and let Him do it. I am starting to wonder if comfort is the anomaly. As if to say that we are constantly in a state of flux save for a day of rest here and there.
The beauty of worship is that we are all just people. Singers and musicians who love to worship Jesus and are called to help lead others. It’s a command and a privilege. I just hope that my heart is ready to stretch even more because I cannot wait.