Ever think you are over something and then one day there it is bleeding in your face? Yeah, me too. The other night, Oscar went to bed and Jerry and I decided to watch a movie. We’ve had Juno on deck for a couple weeks now from Netflix and just haven’t gotten around to watching it. It was one of those movies that slipped through the cracks when it initially came out and we had been wanting to watch it for a while.
I was SO resonating with Jennifer Garner’s character, Vanessa. Not the infertility part, thank God, but her desire to have a baby was so intense. And how she planned everything to the last detail. Aside from a few other plot details, that was SO me during pregnancy.
Then came the birth scene. Jerry and I always laugh during theatrical birth moments on TV and movies because they are so glaringly unrealistic. But this time, I thought they had it just right. And I. was. sobbing. Out of no where I was once again heartbroken about the fact that I was not able to deliver Oscar the old fashioned way. Saddened by the loss of our “moment” and not getting to hold him right away. It really took me (and Jerry) by surprise.
It’s one of those things that you just can’t explain. Why certain things happen to certain people. I was prepared for natural labor (as much as any woman can be). I wanted those moments. I tried for 25 hours before it was just too much. Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking. Wondering if I had used a midwife or had a home birth it would have been different. Sometimes I wonder that too, but I remain convinced that I did everything I could to avoid it. And I secretly want to become a defender of women who had a c-section. I found out when I was pregnant that my father was born via c-section in the 1940s. Talk about scary! For most of us, it is NEVER the first choice. And even though all is well and I am thankful for a happy and healthy baby, I am learning that it will always be a sad moment in an otherwise blissful time.
I hope to try for a VBAC with the next baby provided I can find a Dr. and hospital that is willing to do it. And I know that if I have another c-section, I will love the baby just as much as I would if I had birthed naturally. It’s interesting how things affect you when babies are involved. It’s like my body is saying, surprise! Here’s the secret emotion box that has been closed until now. And once it’s open, it can never be closed.