I am a mile a minute.
It’s not a phase. It’s who I am. Sometimes I butt heads with Oscar because he talks all the time (and by all the time I mean, take your day and divide it into minutes when you aren’t asleep. Then listen to someone talking for every single one of those minutes). But our brains work in much the same way, so I have to realize I have just learned the fine art of internalizing it and talking to myself instead of everyone around me.
Or have I? I suppose I do blog a bit. Heh.
A mile a minute.
At any given moment of the day I am simultaneously playing with the kids, thinking about the way I look (sometimes good/sometimes negative), getting something productive done like laundry or dishes or feeding humans, planning the next meal, washing something or someone, making lists, reading articles, deciding when I will run next, thinking abut school choices for Oscar, chatting with my husband, chatting with friends, drinking water, snacking on something or writing, researching, and editing my work.
This is not me bragging.
This is me trying to explain that I don’t have an off switch. It’s not simply broken. It doesn’t exist.
This is why I wake up in the middle of the night trying to solve problems and have a really hard time “just” watching television. It’s why if I haven’t been in a social situation in a while, I will talk your head off and drive home wondering if I seemed rude because I talked too much. This is why I research everything obsessively before I can make a decision I am at peace with. This is why I plan our vacations and pack days in advance of a trip.
It’s not that I don’t love to slow down. I just don’t know how to do it mentally.
And before you think I have some drive to be something or someone or perfect, I really don’t think it’s that. Sure I want people to like me. Who doesn’t? But all of these things start out as something good that takes over my brainspace. My mind grapes.
I love my family. I want to make good choices. I want to make our vacations as fun as we can provide. I want to work well and play hard and take care of my body. I am a lifetime learner. I want to stay current when it comes to politics so I can have good conversations and make informed choices.
I am so very, truly grateful for my one and only life. But sometimes I just want to feel normal. Is this what normal feels like? Because my normal feels really good a lot of the time. Yet, I know I am always pushing, always going.
And then there is this,
Be still and know that I am God. – Psalm 46:10
I have to wonder. Am I still? When am I ever still? This year has been digging through my layers of trust (or lack of trust) and my journey of faith has been front and center. If it is not in my nature to be still, what can I do that is genuine and not of a legalistic need to “do it right” that will allow me to enjoy the peace and presence of Jesus in the middle of my one and only life?
Oh yeah and while I am doing all that stuff up there, I am also pondering life’s eternal significance.
I started a gratitude journal as a result of reading One Thousand Gifts. Funny that it’s another “thing” on my list now. The only rule to my journal is there are no rules. It will never be something I have to do. I’ll pick it up when I am thankful and write. My hope is that over time, I will reach for it more because my heart will learn to quiet in the middle of all this.
I’m a mile a minute. I am living my life. I am loved. And I am thankful.
I should go write that in my journal.