When I was going through a very awkward frizzy hair stage as a teenager, my cousin used to ask me “why don’t you just shave it all off and start over??” hahahaha….nevermind the fact that he was fat and a jerk to most everyone we knew at the time(we are now on awesome terms btw). But the fact that this comment stands out as one of my most memorable adolescent moments tells me something I think. Not only have I always had a love/hate relationship with my hair, but I have also always cared what people think of me. Not so much in the fashion sense really, but as far as my character and “likeability” I have and continue to seek approval.
I try to be honest with everyone. But I am beginning to wonder if I am even being honest with myself. I talk about my experiences and my life and struggles and victories only to realize that I am still living the same story over and over. It’s like my life is a triangle and there is a track and I just keep dutifully going up to amazing highs and plummeting down to depressing lows. Each time I overcome I think, AHH yes there it is! I am going to live HERE from now on. It hasn’t lasted yet. Nevermind what brings the highs and lows, that may change, but I somehow fail to attain the victory that I can so easily explain to someone else.
Which brings me back to my cousin. I wish I could dump everything and start over. Cut it all off. Essentially, that is what I did when I moved here. I severed 20 years of history with very few strings leading me home. I almost did it again with my move to NY. I would have never looked back. Even today, I have the urge to empty my entire apartment of every single item and just sit in the middle of the room in silence. I can’t explain the meaning behind that.
I think my trip to Atlanta will be a nice diversion. I don’t think I hate my life here in Raleigh. In fact, there is so much I love about it. But I am not whole and I don’t know how to be. Recently, I have been dreaming of having to “complete a mission” at least 3 times in the past month or two. The dreams are different in context but it is so important to complete the mission and in 2 of them end with me climbing a mountain. At this point, I feel like I am walking the valley, or to keep with analogy, merely walking the line between the 2 low points of the triangle.
My boss has asked me to stay at the law firm until May. This is a very nice compliment and I plan to do it, barring any amazing offers to be a paid world traveller. I want so much, but at the same time, could be SO very happy with so little. I don’t feel like anybody ‘gets’ me which I am sure most people feel from time to time. But oh how wonderful it would be to look into someone’s eyes and just know that they know you. So maybe afterall, it’s not approval I seek. Perhaps it’s understanding.