Home Pregnancy Please Induce Me – Guest Post

Please Induce Me – Guest Post

by Andrea Updyke

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Today, I am taking a much needed break. We’ve been hitting the nesting thing pretty hard in the past week and with only 7 weeks to go in this pregnancy, I just want to lie in bed. My blogging buddy, Jessica Mcfadden, offered up this hilarious post to help cheer me up and let me know that she SO knows how grueling the end of pregnancy can be. Thanks Jessica!! You guys are going to love it 🙂

(Sung to the tune of the classic love song favored by groveling male dedication-making listeners of the Delilah radio show, Bryan Adams’s Please Forgive Me.)

It sure feels like our millionth night together
Feels like the thousandth kick
You’re getting bigger baby
The size of a New York Knick
You’re still holding on
Wish you would come
Let’s let our eyes meet
‘Stead of pummeling me with your feet
Heartburn’s getting stronger
I can’t hold on much longer

Would you please turn that fire off….

So if you’re feeling cozy, don’t
Just get the eff out of Mom!
I only want to make you go
So if I whine more than I should…

Please induce me, you know not how I do
Please induce me, I can’t stop cursing you
Don’t extend this darn pain I’m going through
Please induce me, I’m at centimeters two!
Please believe me (Oh believe it), every threat I say is true
Please induce me, or on that table I will poo

Like hell this is our best time together
I prefer external touch
My cervix is not a moonbounce baby
And you’ve had enough
You’re still holding on
And I’m freaking done
I can feel the stretch of my skin
The expansion of everything
I can barely move
That includes my bowels too, yeah
These sleepless nights, while you dance the boogaloo…

So if you’re plotting late term, don’t
Time to exit the cabin from the door below!
I only want to make you go
So if I kvetch more than I should…

Please induce me, I’m not going to make it through
Please induce me, I’m hurling threats at you
Don’t worry, I know my dates are true!
Please induce me, her head is poking through
Please induce me (Oh believe it), I’m fired up to sue*
Please induce me, please book L&D room #2

The one thing I’m sure of
Is this baby is cooked, love!
And I’m depending on
Your Pitocin to bring her on!
With every f-bomb I am praying
You know I’m saying…

Please induce me, I’m swollen like a balloon
Please induce me, my boobs are bigger than a baboon’s
“Do no harm” and stop this pain I’m going through
Please induce me, my pelvis is cracked in two
Babe believe it, every word I blog is true
Please induce me, or I’ll resort to Creole voodoo
No, believe it, I will Google “home induce”
Please induce me, I can’t stop cursing you
I can’t stop cursing you.

Jessica adds this realistic postscript:

 

Yes, I know it’s safest for baby to stay in there as long as possible and be born at HER time, not mine. I know I’m beyond blessed that baby has made it full term. This is supposed to be humorous and complaining ode to the last days of pregnancy, not a medical stance on induction.

* not really, it was just a good ticked-off verb that rhymed

Jessica McFadden is the author of a A Parent in Silver Spring, a fun, free resource blog  for parents. She is a mother of three, including newborn daughter Alice. She rewrote the lyrics to Please Forgive Me as as a desperate plea to her baby, OB and hospital at the end of her pregnancy. But all worked out just as it should, because a few days after writing this her water broke at home and baby blessedly arrived without need for an induction.

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11 comments

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11 comments

Erin L June 1, 2011 - 8:51 am

Totally and completely awesome. I bow down to her.

Reply
Kimberly June 1, 2011 - 9:07 am

This is too awesome to not share. Totally tweeting this. Love.

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Alison@Mama Wants This June 1, 2011 - 9:15 am

This was fantastic, loved it!

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Jessica June 1, 2011 - 9:42 am

Thanks so much for having me today Andrea! I love Lil Kid Things and you and am thinking of you these last few weeks of your pregnancy! Who woulda thought at BlogHer last year when we met at a swanky cocktail party that we would soon be avoiding cocktails together all year?? 🙂

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Andrea June 1, 2011 - 3:32 pm

I know right!? I was just thinking about that party the other day. I want to live there. And seriously? This is the best re-write. I will be reading it every day 🙂

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Rajean June 1, 2011 - 11:32 am

This deserves a Grammy! Love it. But, I might add, my fourth & final child took me on the Pitocin train to hell, as mama was getting sick and couldn’t cook him any longer. I would not wish that trip on anyone. That’s another song and I think it might be more like heavy metal or full metal jacket, or something along those lines. With a lot of bleeps.

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Andrea June 1, 2011 - 3:33 pm

I always have room for more guest posts 😉

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molly campbell June 1, 2011 - 11:50 am

Now this song will be going through my mind all week! This was GREAT!

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Tina June 1, 2011 - 11:57 am

I’m both intrigued and scared as to what the video for this song would look like.. LOL

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Hines-Sight Blog June 1, 2011 - 2:40 pm

So funny! Great job!

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Allison June 1, 2011 - 8:59 pm

Great post Jessica, thank you.

Andrea, I came across your site on the SITS31DBB forum and I am a fan! Great writing here and I look forward to more! So happy to have found your corner of the web.

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