Submitted by @mattstevensnc:
In order to answer your question, Matt, I must ask a question. What is a Superhero? And to answer that question, I turned to the wisdom of the internet. Or more specifically, Wikipedia.
Now, since Jerry and I are not historically fictional and we don’t exactly consider ourselves protectors of the public (I mean we do recycle, ok?), I can see how one might think this can go nowhere productive. Then again, this is merely a hypothetical question in which case it is perfectly rational for me to assume a few things for the sake of getting to the revelation of our super-powers.
Let’s first talk about Jerry, my partner in crime (fighting). He is tall. He loves cowboy boots and belt buckles. And barbershop. And bass guitars. He is funny, witty, smart, and logical. I also happen to find him ridiculously good looking.
Clearly, he would be a svelte thinker with a trick bass full of weaponry and gadgets to fight off the evildoers. However, this would only work against regular humans. When faced with a Supervillian, Jerry would employ his true superpower of singing all four parts of barbershop harmony simultaneously using just his voice.
the ringing chord is the defining characteristic of the barbershop style. This is a name for one specific and well-defined acoustical effect, also referred to as expanded sound, the angel’s voice, the fifth voice, or the overtone. via wikipedia
This 5th voice would be so piercing and beautiful that any supervillian would be instantly deafened by it’s tone, at which point Super-Jerry would crush them with his Super Bass and then play a killer Maiden riff as they slithered back from whence they came.
I on the other hand do not have a penchant for stringed instrument/turned weaponry or harmonizing with myself. Actually, the harmony thing would be pretty awesome but I will leave that to Super Jerry. I see myself as an Octopus.(not Ursula so just leave that thought right there.)
And not just any Octopus, a SUPER Octopus! Did you know that an Octupus can lose an arm and it will grow back?? It’s true! Now, I can’t say that about my regular human arm, but as a wife, mother and homemaker, I have been known to make something from nothing on occasion (I’m talking about you tuna casserole). I am also fast and a super-multitasker. And let’s be honest, have you SEEN my hair? It’s got tentacles written all over it.
But you didn’t ask what I would be. You want to know about my powers. So we know a bit about what an Octopus looks like. Another great thing is that it can change its colors and sort of blend in, unnoticed. And not only can they get all chameleon-ed out depending on their environment, it’s a well-known fact that Octopi utilize ink as their main line of defense. And I think you know where I am going with this.
I blog. I use words. And humor and you know, INK. I think we can just go ahead and double over with pun overload at this point, amiright? Recap: Mama Octopus will crush you and then sign her name and hit publish.
We make a great team, Super Jerry and I. He with his harmonious tunes, and me with my inky confusion. SuperVillians beware! Our enemies will be left deaf and disoriented, whimpering and bewildered. All while we victoriously ride off into the sunset hand and hands.