There was a time when the majority of my life seemed like darkness. I was heartbroken after a failed marriage. I moved to a new state with a new beginning and left all my friends behind. I had bad credit, no job, no hope, and I was angry. So very angry.
I tried to reach out to God in those years, and sometimes I felt Him near. Other times I pushed Him away. But in those moments when I needed to be close, I would read this Psalm;
For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
And I really felt like that. Forgotten, sorrowful, overcome. But I wanted to trust. I SO needed to trust. And I tried to be thankful for what I did have, instead of focusing on what I lacked. It was hard and I was often terrible at it. But I truly believe that God was slowly and almost invisibly putting pieces back that had been torn off of my heart.
For the past few years, Jerry and I have enjoyed a season of love, fulfillment, joy and peace. And it has been amazing. We’ve had minor ups and downs but really haven’t had to struggle with a real sense of loss like we now face with our miscarriage. I have allowed myself to “sing” through this blog; to be thankful and observe how different my life is from 5 even 10 years ago. The Lord HAS been good to me. And my life has turned around.
But, that doesn’t mean nothing bad or hurtful will ever happen to us. What is amazing to me, is how this time anger is not a part of our reaction to the sad news of losing this pregnancy. We grieve, but we trust in a bigger plan. It’s a stark contrast to how I might have reacted in past years.
Life is fragile and we get choices. How we react to the heartache and bad things that happen is a choice. But not in the sense that the initial REACTION is a choice, it’s what we do when everything is good that matters. Our attitudes during the good times dictate our reactions in the bad times, I think. Not taking the good for granted has really helped us see that this struggle, while heartbreaking, can be used to bring our family closer together, draw us closer to God, and remind us that life is a gift. If we let it.
I cannot imagine even thinking these thoughts just a few years ago. And I am thankful that my heart really is changing. I am sad, but not overcome. I mourn, but I am not forgotten. Hard things happen, but the enemy does not triumph over me.
The Lord has been good to us. And we will keep on singing.