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The birth night

I have been preparing all day for Calvin’s birthday party tomorrow. In part because things needed to get done. But mostly because I needed to avoid my emotions.

This morning’s tragedy in Colorado hung in the air for a few hours. I had to catch my breath a few times when I tried to imagine myself in the scene. My boys. It’s something no mother should endure. I read about Jessica who was one of the victims that lost her life. I felt like I should have felt some sort of solidarity with her for being a writer. A blogger.

Instead I thought about her mother.

[tweetherder]I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of being left behind.[/tweetherder] Empty. No mother should outlive her children, When these horrific scenes unfold before my eyes I am literally silenced. I have no words yet they are bouncing off the walls of my mind, screaming for freedom.

Evil

Unjust

Horrifying

Tragic

Heartbreaking

Terror

Shocking

Wrong

Wrong

Wrong

I sat down to write about how emotional I have been as I think back on Calvin’s first year in the wake of this tragedy. I’ve had a lot of healing to do since his birth. In our own dramatic story, when the odds of one or both of us losing our lives was a real possibility, we were spared. My son has a mother. I have a beautiful one year old boy.

As I sang to him tonight I just cried. He lay his head on my shoulder, which is rare. All I could do was remember our first embrace when we finally met 3 hours after his birth. There are no guarantees. My “mother’s heart” grieves for the families who are suffering loss. At the same time I am overcome with gratitude that we have Calvin’s birthday to celebrate tomorrow and mine to celebrate next week. It’s a lot to feel right now and I am going to let myself feel it.

There is a verse in the Bible (Romans 12:15) that says Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

Today I am doing both.

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ConnieFoggles

Saturday 21st of July 2012

You have me tearing up. Thank God that you're here for your boys. Thank God for your boys. Enjoy today. Celebrate! Happy Birthday sweet Calvin.

Sarah Shingler

Saturday 21st of July 2012

Happy birthday to sweet Calvin a/k/a Frankie's Dedication Buddy :) I had no idea about your birth story!!! What a beautiful blessing and miracle! This is so wonderfully written and speaks my hearts sentiments about the whole CO thing as well. Hugs.

cindy w

Saturday 21st of July 2012

Beautifully said. And happy birthday to your sweet boy.

Amy

Friday 20th of July 2012

Happy Birthday Calvin! You are sweet and smooshy and wonderful! Congrats on a successful first year, Andrea!

I know. Today was weird and sad. I had to write about it too. It was just awful. I feel ya. Have a great party tomorrow!

Andrea

Saturday 21st of July 2012

Thank you! So far we are all sugared up on orange pancakes with sprinkles and cool whip :-)

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