At roughly 8.5 months postpartum with my second child, I had an epiphany. I’ve been walking around numb for days (weeks?) wondering what in the world is going on. Am I tired? Lonely? Stressed? Unhappy? Angry? Sad? PMS-y? All of the above? None of the above? I have no idea. I get this thought in my head every few weeks that I wonder if I have PPD. I don’t feel like I do, but then there is this nagging. This wondering if what I feel is normal.
On any given day, the answer I give myself is different.
Now, i just want to say that I have no idea even at the time of this writing if I do or if I don’t, but I finally have some peace after reading The 6 Stages of Postpartum Depression by the amazing Katherine Stone the other night. So if I had to guess, I would say that I do in some form have postpartum depression that I haven’t yet dealt with.
I don’t think it’s a super serious case (no harmful thoughts or anything) but the fact that something hormonal is going on and totally messing with me has got to stop. The fact that I don’t feel much most of the time is not cool. That I can look at my beautiful boys some days and not really see them hurts my heart. The fact that the devastation that still feels like a fresh would on my heart when I think about the way my births turned out tells me that I still have a lot of healing to do.
At the same time, I don’t take the blame for these things. I have my wits about me there and I know that I didn’t cause this. This is why I wonder what is really going on with me. If it’s not PPD, then what is it? I know I know, I need to talk to someone and I will. I have numbers. I just need time. I am encouraged by the peace I found in reading the above article – I hope you will take the time to read it. There was a resounding sigh of relief in my room when I read stage 3.
Bargaining: If I just exercise more and eat better I’ll be fine. If I could just get to the point where the baby sleeps through the night, I’ll be okay. If I get closer to God and pray more, this will surely go away.
And this is SO me. I am the fixer. The finagler. I am the champion in the shell game of life. Move a little from over here to over there and then on Friday we can move this to there and then on Saturday we will have everything we need to be happy. Yes. There I am. The girl in the front row of Bargaining 101.
The thing is, I just want to be outside of myself. I want a break. Not from motherhood, but from myself. From my thoughts, my hormones, my demands. I want to stop spinning. Take a walk. Enjoy the view. Shut down the white noise and listen. I just don’t know how right this minute.
I don’t know the end of this story. I don’t know how many chapters are left. I would love to wrap it all up and give you 3 tips to take with you and apply to your life as you sip your vanilla latte, but I don’t know. Maybe there are no lattes at the end of my story.
Scratch that. There WILL be lattes.
All I know is that I will be here for the duration. I suppose I am at the acceptance stage. I will figure out what isn’t right and hopefully right it. It’s ok that I can’t do it alone.
I don’t want to anyway.