This is kind of a heavy post for a Friday. In fact, I may not even hit publish. I haven’t decided yet. All I know is that somewhere in the past couple weeks, I have fallen down an inspiration rabbit hole and I don’t know how to get out.
I think a lot has to do with my faith, or lack of faith at the moment. We all go through cycles of highs and lows so I know that this too shall pass. But here, way down here in the pit I don’t see that. I don’t hear the angels singing because I am too busy complaining.
My desire is to show women that they are enough. That they are enough for themselves, for their husbands and for their children. My heart’s desire is to show love to the unloved, yet if I am honest, I don’t even love myself very much.
Ouch. Yeah I said that.
How can I convince other women that they are beautiful and perfect and enough if I don’t even believe it about myself? When at the end of every day I feel like a failure because I could have or should have done more? How do you love well when you are so broken that you don’t even want to leave the house?
I get angry when I hear other people doing nice things. My instinct is to resent their kindness because surely they must have an ulterior motive. Or I go the other way and wonder why I don’t have that kind of faith after all these years. I feel like I am reaching and stretching for something that I will never grab hold of. And it’s exhausting.
Maybe we aren’t enough and that’s why we need God. I do know that I am not enough for myself but if what I believe means anything, I should have a sort of peace and joy in the waiting. Not necessarily happiness, but just a stillness.
I just don’t know.
And that is where I am today. Searching, praying, thinking and laying my soul out in the open hoping that the sun will shine and warm me up a bit. Because I am tired of feeling cold.