So far the most difficult part of parenting for me has been trusting myself. I have always felt pretty maternal, nurturing and kind of figured I would be a natural at the whole mommy thing. But I have never second guessed myself so much! It’s actually quite exhausting. I can’t seem to just say, I am the mommy and this is how it is. Funny thing is, I don’t feel natural at all. I have had a hard time relaxing and I am constantly wondering if I made the right choice for Oscar. Is he hungry? Tired, hot, cold, gassy, in a bad mood?? I am not generally this uptight and it’s driving me crazy!
I do remember times of perfectionism in my life when I have been super stressed out trying to ‘perform’ well. I guess this is like that times 1000. I love reading all kinds of books and blogs and I don’t see that stopping anytime soon, but I do think that my mind needs a drain for all of this information. For every parenting idea, there is another one saying NO don’t do that, you’ll destroy your child!!! I keep saying that if I care this much about doing the right thing, then I am sure I am getting it right at least some of the time. Of course what is right anyway? Every baby is different and you have to know YOUR baby… which is the hardest part! I grew up following instructions. My favorite toys were legos and I was an expert at building the most elaborate sets at a young age. It was simple, you just follow the instructions starting with step 1.
OK, so I did step 1. I had the baby. NOW WHAT??? I am looking forward to having some confidence again. Sometimes I feel guilty that the first few weeks have been so stressful for me. I have tried to be ‘in the moment’ and just enjoy the baby and I have in some cases. But if I am honest, I have not enjoyed a LOT of the past few weeks and I feel outside myself. I don’t think it’s PPD. I think it’s just what comes with a massive life change and it just takes time. But I don’t want to forget that I had these thoughts and had to work through them. Maybe it’s all part of becoming mommy….is there a pot of wisdom at the end of this rainbow?