Honestly, it’s not that people thinner than me are horrible. I’ll just get that right out of the way. I love my thin friends and yes, even envy them and wonder just HOW they do it. But in many of the cases, they live just like me, only thinner. Luck of the draw? Good genes? “Forgetting” to eat? Whatever. The bottom line is, they are thin and I am not. But why?
I do know that I can eat. I can promise you with 100% certainty that I will NEVER forget to eat a meal. It’s the highlight of my day (aside from spending time with my family) Comments like, “OH wow, this is huge, I could NEVER eat all that” will likely never come out of my mouth because yes, I COULD eat all that. And by the way are you gonna finish those fries? Not saying I do, but I definitely could. I mean really, you CAN’T? You are so thin that you just can’t eat it? Really? Am I the only one that eats because it tastes good? Does that make me a glutton? I hope not.
Of course, my problem doesn’t stop there. I also really really don’t love to exercise. Well, I do love the elliptical machine, but I don’t have one and a gym membership is still off the table at the moment. I am trying to walk and jog more and that is OK, but I would rather do it in an expensive neighborhood where at least I could gawk at the rich, skinny people and pretend that I am on my way to living like that.
Basically, weight loss pisses me off.
I know I need to do it because I am not satisfied where I am. I know it’s unhealthy to be overweight and I want to set a good example for Oscar and any other children that might come along. It’s a constant struggle. A CONSTANT STRUGGLE. I don’t think I am ugly. But I had nothing to do with my face. I can thank my folks for that. What I can control, I don’t seem to be doing a very good job at and it irritates me to no end. Why does it seem so easy for everyone else? Is that just another excuse? How to you start a journey you don’t really WANT to be on?
I love watching The Biggest Loser. I get really into it. And I get so mad when people who applied to be ON the show and have been watching season after season, complain that it’s TOO hard. I mean come on! You KNEW it would be hard. Get over it! Sigh. It’s so easy to yell that at the TV when I am sitting there on my couch eating a burrito.
Somewhere in my mind I want to want it more. It makes me mad that I don’t seem to have the healthy thing down. Like, of the meals I cook at home, what would I feed Oscar? I don’t want to feed him what we eat and that has really got me thinking. Our meals are delicious, yes, but they are serious comfort foods. We do baked chicken here and there, but more often than not, you will find Spaghetti, Pizza, Tacos, Mac and Cheese and sandwiches on the menu.
And that’s when I get angry. I have salad in the fridge and every once in a while I think mmm, salad sounds great. But who really thinks that on a regular basis? And if the answer is most people, why am I not one of them? I’m mad because I want to WANT healthy things instead of forcing myself to go against everything that feels natural so I can fit in. I don’t. If it’s going to happen, I have to force it. That is just the way it is and it’s exhausting.